I just snapped. Seriously. I yelled at my kids. In a way that I'll probably feel guilty about for the rest of my life. Seriously. (I say that WAY too much.) 

Aaron got into the refrigerator. As he tends to do. Every. Single. Time. that someone's not tracking his every move. (I realize that sounds like an exaggeration. It might be. But only a very slight one.) He smuggled into the living room and attempted to devour an entire pound of shredded sharp cheddar. When I walked into the living room from switching the laundry (As you likely have no knowledge of my house, let me explain that this means he had to walk behind me, open the fridge 2 feet away from me, and walk back behind me with the cheese in his possession before crossing through the kitchen and into the living room. I DID pull my head out of the dryer to say "Shut the refrigerator!" when it opened.... But I digress.).... Wha? Oh. Right. I walked into the living room. And it happened like this:

Me: Aaron, what are you doing?
Aaron: (frightened out of his mind at the idea of being caught in an act of mischief, throws the cheese into the air and dumps half of it on the carpet)

So... at that point I'm kind of upset. I sit him down, and try to explain to him (for the 7,245th time) that he can't just get into the groceries at will. "Mommy buys groceries for everyone. Everyone needs to have enough to share. When you are hungry, ask Mommy, and I will give you a snack. You can't just take whatever you want, whenever you want it." Apparently, I sound like the Charlie Brown parents. It just. Doesn't. Ever. Register. While I'm talking to Aaron, Paige walks her little self over to the bag of cheese. I hear her pipe up. It goes like this:

Paige: Look Mommy! There still cheese in the... UH-OH!! (She picks the bag up upside down and dumps the rest of it on the floor.)

And that's the point at which I lost it. Really. Lost it. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say everyone cried, and there was long talking and hugging and apologizing a few minutes later at bed time. (Before anyone panics and decides that I must be an abusive psycho mom, I want to add that I only yelled at them and put them in time out. Fini.)

So, you might say.... "What's the big deal? It was a $2.18 bag of cheddar from Walmart. You can get another bag tomorrow. Why on EARTH would you freak out at little kids like that?" And you would be mostly right. But it wasn't about the cheese.

Nope. Not at all. Just before the Cheese Incident of 2012, a creditor had called here looking for Ben. He owes them money, and he gave this as his number. Of course, when I say that he does not live here and will NOT be here, the woman starts to talk to me like so much dog carp. "He owes blah-blah-blah. And he gave us this number on the original application. And we have reached him on this line previously." So.... I hung up on her. Yes. Once upon a time, he lived here. No. I do NOT have a forwarding number for him. I do NOT know where he lives. And by the way, if you reach him, let him know his daughter's preschool tuition is due and his son needs new glasses. 

What I was really upset about is that I am. TIRED. I went into this parenting game thinking that I would have a partner. And for 5 years, I've been doing this alone*. (Yes. He was physically present. Having a second parent around who isn't helping is pretty much like having an extra kid.) This isn't what I signed on for, damn it. And right now, I need to whine for a minute. It's NOT. FAIR. (Spare me the "Life's not fair" speech. I know. I know. I effing know already. Doesn't mean I have to like it.) Why do some people just get to opt out? "Oh. I don't feel like taking care of my kids this week/year/decade/LIFETIME. No, no. I think I'll go get trashed instead. Cheerio!" (You have to imagine that I said that with a Russell Brand accent. Just do it.)

*(Note to My Mother: I know I'm not REALLY doing this alone. I have an amazing family who are more supportive of me than I will ever deserve or understand. But the day-to-day.... I feel alone a lot. I don't want to belittle anything you do to help us. Thank you! We LOVE you!)

Then I thought about this for a few more minutes. And I was, as I so often am, wrong. About the most important thing. I DID sign up for this. Absolutely. 100%. Anyone who has a child does so without the guarantee that both of the child's parents will be around for the raising of said child. People die. People split up. Life happens. And then.... I married him. I knew who he was before I said "I do." I knew what kind of parent he was. I knew what kind of person he was. Mea culpa there, too. And then... I made him leave. I did it. 

But do you know who REALLY didn't sign up for this?

Aaron didn't. My sweet, smart, awkward, needy Aaron with the biggest heart a person could want.... He didn't sign up for it. He didn't ask God if he would please give him parents who had no business having a child. He didn't ask for an addict father and a doormat mother. He didn't ask for his parents to split up and his dad to basically disappear and his mom to have a complete breakdown when he acts like a five year old.

And Paige didn't. My tough, but kind, self-reliant, independent, social butterfly. She didn't ask for this either.

And THAT's why I'll probably feel guilty about this meltdown for the rest of my life. I took it all out on them. The ONLY innocent people in this whole equation. 

Next step: MUST find a therapist. Mommy must have another outlet.

A great woman once told me that writing is painful, but having written is freedom. 

At 13, there was no way for me to truly comprehend that.

At 26, it has become all too clear.

I truly cannot find words right now.

Well, maybe that's where I'll begin. Let me find some words.

He is. Gone. (This is where my mom will probably stop reading, because she thinks this will be all about him, and we all know she can't stand him anymore than is absolutely necessary.) Today is the first day I've had that thought accompanied by any emotion. I am.... sad. I feel like I've failed. I've failed him, failed our children, failed myself, failed God and the Universe and the Dalai Lama. You might insist to me that I have not failed, and that it is unproductive to feel this way. However, I don't believe that either of those statements is correct. I believe with an absolute certainty that I tried as hard and for as long as I possibly could to make this work. I held on so long that I may, in fact, be part protection dog. However, effort does not always equal success. So.... in terms of keeping my marriage together, I get an "A" for effort and an "F" for execution. And I also think that it's okay for me to feel like this right now. I KNOW in my head that this is the right thing. It is the only thing I can do at this point. It's just going to take my heart a while to catch up. 

I also feel brutally rejected. For the last six months, all I hear from him is that he knows we can make this work. He just needs his family. PLEASE won't I give him a chance to make this right? And I really would have. Of course, my only demand before I could agree to start moving forward is his sobriety and functionality. (Please be an adult for 6 months. Don't get high. Pay your own rent. Buy your own food. Six months.) Then all of a sudden, I get a call saying he won't be staying at his place one night, so if I need him, call ###-####. The next day, he calls again. He thinks we should just go ahead with a divorce. "All we're doing at this point is hurting each other. What's the point? I don't want us to hate each other." And that evening he tells me the rest of it. He's moving in with someone. Three days ago, he wanted nothing but to fix his family, and now he's got a girlfriend. For real? I can't even comprehend it.

However. (And this is the important part.) HOWEVER. 

I also feel, for the first time since I don't even KNOW when, that I will be okay. Let me repeat. He is gone. I am sad. I have failed. I have been rejected in favor of a lifestyle that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But. I. Will. Be. Fine. 

I don't know what will happen next. But I know that the next step will be my own. It will not be dictated by his presence or lack thereof. It will not be dictated by the needle in his arm. It will be dictated by the needs of myself, and the needs of my children. It will be the right thing for Aaron. The right thing for Paige. The right thing for KRISTINA. And it feels pretty good to have reclaimed the parts of myself that I had abdicated to HIM for so long. I've spent a lot of time over the last several years asking myself if I would rather be right or be married. It's nice to be right.

I expect the coming days to bring more reflective thoughts on all of this. Reader beware.

And now. Back by popular demand. (Ok. Back because I think it will make someone smile, who really deserves a smile today.) 

KrispinaRonChunaTainaNuNoy's

Famous

 Ten on Tuesday

Ten FavoriteAwesome Song Lyrics

1. All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

2. I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

3. And Henry Said:
"You're lucky to even know me.
You're lucky to be alive.
You're lucky to be drinking here for free,
'Cuz I'm a sucker for your lucky, pretty eyes."

4. Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed,
And I wanna crawl in with you but I cry instead.
I want your warm but it will only make me colder when it's over,
 

5. Nobody wants to look at it,
But Uncle Alvarez sees us all.

6. When your prized possessions
Start to weigh you down,
Look in my direction. 
I'll be 'round, I'll be 'round.

7. If you will not have me as myself,
Perhaps as someone else,
Perhaps as you, I'll be worth noticing.

8. Art may imitate life,
But life imitates TV 

9. Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Are you lookin' for answers
To questions under the stars
And if along the way
You are growing weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day, you're okay

10. If I had $1,000,000,
I'd be rich. 

5,706 Totally Meaningless Bonus Points to the first person to name all the songs/artists. Ready??? GO!

My husband's at work.

My mother-in-law has my kids.

My house is empty and begging to be cleaned.

So what do I do?

Attempt a walk to the park with my camera, of course! 

I made it two blocks before my fingers were so numb I could no longer shoot. At that point, I just came home. However, I think I got some good HDR stuff. I'm downloading the contents of my Compact Flash card to the computer now. Processing will take a little time, but as soon as I'm done, I'll let you see the result.

Stay warm Xanga.... I'm off to do some dishes in hopes of defrosting my fingertips.